Stupid headline of the day

Courtesy of Canoe (it wouldn't be the first time, either):

You mean like in the developed world? In 2008? Uhhh.. yes?

Next question?

Assault with a weapon, Canadian-style

The Edmonton Sun

A four-month-old baby was the victim of a bizarre crime Friday night when a man allegedly hit him with his baby bottle outside a southside liquor store. [...] the man walked up to the baby and his mom outside the Liquor Depot near 110 Street and 51 Avenue and took the bottle. He then allegedly hit the child on the nose with the bottle's nipple and later flicked him on the face with his finger, police said. "The baby wasn't harmed," said police spokesman Patrycia Chalupczynska. "Afterwards, it had a red mark on its forehead. It doesn't appear that the child went to hospital." Police, though, came on the scene after the mom started screaming for help. Before they arrived, people nearby held onto the suspect. Cops have now charged a man as a result with assault and, due to the use of the baby bottle, assault with a weapon.

Obviously an age-related hate crime. Lock him up and throw away the key.

On the other hand, I've probably wanted to... okay maybe... once or twice. Especially on airplanes.

Privacy, what's it good for?

A new international ranking of privacy protections. Britain is the "worst in Europe":

Britain, the country with the world's biggest network of surveillance cameras, has the worst record in Europe for the protection of privacy, according to a report from a London-based international watchdog. The UK is billed as "an endemic surveillance society" alongside Russia, the US, Singapore and China in the survey of 47 countries by Privacy International (PI).

No surprise there. On the other hand, not to crow about this too much:

Canada heads the international table, with Argentina, Iceland and Switzerland close behind.

This might help to explain why I care so strongly about the subject. I guess I just grew up in a place where the government and police mostly stayed out of our lives, and that seems 'normal' to me. Here, everything I do is recorded and likely analyzed, even though it's just boring everyday crud. Makes you feel like a suspect, it does. It's always in the back of my mind, and as a result I always make a subconscious effort to do little things like paying in cash, and leaving blank spaces in paperwork when I think it's none of their business. I just assume that any information I allow companies and the government to gather about me will be misused. All the same, they announced just last week that they'd lost some of my personal information.

[ I took the driving theory test between the dates in question ]

Corporate leadership and the giant sucking sound

By the way, more about that song: Air Canada commissioned it as its new theme song for its 'relaunch' three years ago.

I'm currently experiencing redundancy (a.k.a. layoff) for the first time, as a result of some corporate cost-cutting cleverness. They're closing our whole office, which is one of the most productive development centres in one of the fastest-growing business segments.

Sales of software are down, you see, but not for any obvious reason. A good executive might ask himself why. Is there some change in the economy? Perhaps we're not making the right kind of software? Perhaps the sales or marketing departments need to rethink something? Fire some executives? Fire some sales and marketing guys?

Solution: Fire the developers, 'cause they cost a lot (and of course, many more will quit, as being one of the remaining developers continues its downward spiral of sucking). The point is, it'll help the bottom line, and the stock price next quarter, and that's what really matters according to our CEO in a recent conference call. So what happens in a year or two, when the software product falls behind the competition, because the company has lost its best and most experienced developers? What happens when sales start to drop for a good reason? Gun. Foot. Open fire. Trust me, by then Mr. CEO will already have bailed out with the help of his golden parachute.

Segue back to Air Canada, Celine Dion, and the sound of sucking. Imagine you're the CEO, and other airlines are eating your lunch. Canadians nickname you 'MapleFlot' because your service stinks. Other airlines are cheaper and better, and customers love them. Your airline has just managed to scrape itself out of bankruptcy by cost-cutting staff salaries, among other things. So what do you do next? Obviously you repaint your planes and pay Celine Dion millions of dollars ($20 million, I heard) to sing for a marketing campaign. For added impact, force the passengers to watch the video when they're on the plane. This is bound to help.

Even sporting lipstick, it's still a pig.

I didn't go to business school, but why not try making a better product?

I think I know the answer

Terrible story today, about a kid killed at a house party in my old neighborhood in Calgary, Canada:

Blood-curdling screams filled the air in Queensland late Saturday night after a teen was murdered at a house party, struck in the face with a pickaxe during a fight. ...Lisa Poole, who lives two doors from where the murder took place, rushed outside when she heard the commotion, and someone asked her if she knew CPR. "I said 'why,' and she said, 'because I think he's dead'. I saw one boy laying there with a pickaxe stuck through the front of his head and some blood on the ground."

That's pretty awful, but at the end of the article it says:

Forsen said an autopsy is scheduled for today.

I think I can save them the expense and trouble: Cause of death? Pickaxe in head.

Textbook future

The Canadian dollar is about to equal the value of the US dollar for the first time in my memory:

TORONTO — The Canadian dollar moved decisively above 99 cents US Thursday, flirting with parity with the American dollar for the first time since November 1976.

I'm no economist, and I don't know whether that's a net positive or negative for Canada, and I know it has more to do with the US dollar tanking recently, but it sort of makes me a little bit proud.

Back when I was in high school, I remember a textbook that predicted this would happen by the year 2000. When I thought ahead to 2000 and imagined my 28-year-old self, it seemed a long way off. I thought perhaps I'd be married with children, all settled-down and responsible.

Well, the dollar prediction eventually came true, 7 years late (though as of 2002, it looked like a very wrong prediction). My own expectations about my life haven't come true, though; Settled-down and responsible I'm probably not. Thank goodness for that!

Take that Osama

Following on from my last post, in which I described how Canada is being seriously underserved by the international terrorist community:

I've come to the hypothesis that Osama has unfairly bought into the "mostly harmless" stereotype of Canadians. And goodness knows, even in Afghanistan, he still hasn't seen a Canadian with a gun [Canadians with guns are still not as mean as Canadians with Hockey sticks though].

We need to send him a message. Change our image. Here are some ideas:

• Put some big, visible guns on the CN Tower.
• Stop killing seals with clubs, and start using machine guns or bombs instead. Or behead them (It's probably quicker and more humane anyway). Actually, I don't think the Qur'an has any bad things to say about seals, so Osama probably already thinks we're just being cruel.
• Do a better job of publicising just how tough beavers actually are. I've heard about one trying to pick a fight with a bulldozer. No kidding.
  
• Put some knuckles on either side of the CN Tower, so that it becomes the world's largest free-standing middle finger.

I know I keep coming back to the CN Tower but it seems like the best tool in our arsenal.

Wallowing in the fear

Of the many overhyped, fear-mongering terrorism headlines I've seen in the past few days -- though not strictly related to the London "car bombs" -- this one takes the cake. Ready?!:

Dirty bombs missing in Canada
Numerous have been lost or stolen since 9-11

That's right folks, Canada is positively awash in missing dirty bombs!:

At least 76 radioactive devices - several of which could be used in a terrorist attack - have gone missing in Canada over the last five years, newly compiled figures show.

Now wait just a cotton-pickin'. "Radioactive devices" doesn't sound quite like a dirty bomb. They couldn't be trying to stir us up with that breathless headline, could they? What are these dirty bombs?

Turns out, they're pretty much anything that's radioactive. You have to keep reading for quite a while before you get good idea of the actual, less-than-sensational devices in question: "nuclear gauges", "radioactive tools" (used in oil and gas discovery), "nuclear medicine markers", and a "vial of sodium iodide":

the Canadian Security Intelligence Service said it's "quite surprising" terrorists have not already set off a crude radioactive bomb.

"We are positively overdue" for such an attack, CSIS said.

Nothing much exciting happens in Canada. Sometimes I think we Canadians feel a little left out of this whole war on terror thing. Subconsciously, it seems we're gagging for some big news to call our own -- after 9/11 I had friends who were convinced Calgary or Edmonton was the next big terrorist target, you know, 'cause there's oil there. Why don't the terrorists pay us any attention?! We're totally a real country!! Look, we have the CN Tower ("Canada's wonder of the world!" -- see photo); it would make a great target! Of course, we did have those teenage terror masterminds with the frighteningly plausible plan to cut off the Prime Minister's head and blow up the CN Tower, but those hosers didn't even get a chance to try anything, eh? To be fair, though, Australia has totally done more to deserve their own terror attack, but they're still waiting.

JIM BRONSKILL AND SUE BAILEY, stand up and collect your razzie for irresponsible journalism.

Watch what you say

From an editorial in the Calgary Herald:

No-fly list - Re: "Canada to launch no-fly list in spring," Jan. 14.

My name is on that international list, and I'm not a Muslim terrorist or an Irish Republican. Every time I attempt to check in for an international flight (which I do frequently), I'm challenged and made to feel like a criminal until I get clearance.

At the moment, my visa to enter Australia is held up while the consulate checks me out.

(The Calgary Herald is my hometown newspaper).

Overall, sounds like a pretty typical story: Innocent person's name ends up on some no-fly list or international "watch list" and gets hassled every time he tries to board a flight.

No doubt there is a scoundrel out there by the name of James McLaughlin, but if the data base were to include other details such as date of birth, passport number or other unique identifiers, surely they could identify me as the harmless wimp I've worked so hard to be.

James McLaughlin... Hey, that's my name! (James is my first name). The guy who wrote that editorial is my Dad, and since we have the same name, I'm on the list too. My Dad has joked before about my CIA file, since I started writing politically-oriented stuff on this blog. But seriously, I have this feeling that the "scoundrel out there" is probably me.

Isn't it coincidental that I/we have ended up on this list since I've started publishing stuff here? I was put through extra scrutiny the last time I went to the States, though the Virgin checkin clerk wouldn't say exactly why; Just that I'm "on a list". I can't do online checkin any more either. It couldn't be that having occasionally-contrarian political opinions gets you on a watch list, could it?

Sure it could:

Meet Professor Walter F. Murphy, emeritus of Princeton University. He's a former Marine, with five years of active service and 19 years in the reserve, and a legal critic of Roe vs Wade and supporter of the Alito confirmation. He's also on the Terrorist No-Fly List:

"I presented my credentials from the Marine Corps to a very polite clerk for American Airlines. One of the two people to whom I talked asked a question and offered a frightening comment: "Have you been in any peace marches? We ban a lot of people from flying because of that." I explained that I had not so marched but had, in September, 2006, given a lecture at Princeton, televised and put on the Web, highly critical of George Bush for his many violations of the Constitution. "That'll do it," the man said."

I guess we all have to be careful what we say. Particularly if we're not American citizens.

I leave tomorrow morning to spend the week in California, for work. Those INS cats at SFO in San Francisco are a joy at the best of times. Wish me luck.

Oh lovely, this is back?

Americans and Canadians are booing one onothers' anthems at sporting events again?:

"booing started from the opening notes of singer Annmarie Martin's rendition of O Canada. While other fans attempted to drown it out by singing along, the boos were audible until the final notes."

Classy. Well, everyone remember that American fans started it this time. And, BTW, Sharks fans, how many of your team's players are Canadian? By my count, nearly half: 12 of 25, including both big stars, Jonathan Cheechoo and Joe Thornton. Oh well, nobody ever said Sharks fans know anything about Hockey (I've been to games at the Tank).

Ashamed of Canada

Speaking of free speech, here's something that makes me ashamed of Canada: the saga of Ernst Zündel. Sure he's a rotten little racist. A holocaust-denier, neo-Nazi, you-name-it. Exactly the sort of person we should hold our noses and defend in the name of free speech. Because the principle of free speech is a mutual covenant between the people of a free society, promising that I'll defend your right to speak your mind, as long as you defend mine -- even if we don't agree.

Here's what my country did. Before any Canadian criticizes the U.S. for things like the Guantanamo bay detention facility, take a look in the mirror:

Here we have a man with some nasty little opinions, who was imprisoned in solitary confinement for two years without charges as a "national security risk" because of purported connections to American white supremacists. He had lived in Canada for some 45 years, and was apparently denied Canadian citizenship due to his undesirable beliefs. In 2005 Canada "deported" him back to Germany to face charges of holocaust denial, because, of course, holocaust denial is illegal in Germany. Is it illegal in Canada? No. But, you see, some of his writing was available on the Internet to German residents, thereby violating German law. He didn't do anything in Germany, he did it in Canada. Not against the law in Canada. Yet, this man is now facing trial in Germany.

Germany and Canada are complicit in this sordid little affair. All I can say is that I hope some international court is able to intervene.

If you think that what happened here is okay, consider your position if you write anything pro-democracy online; What you're doing might be illegal in China. Don't post anything critical of Islam or Mohammad, for that might get you the death penalty in Saudi Arabia or Iran.

That is, unless your country stands up for your free speech rights -- but I wouldn't bet your life on it if you're Canadian.