Save the boobies

I keep seeing these hilarious banner ads for some kind of computer game. Help! Save the Queen! (or else this guy is going to stab her luscious mams)

Quote of the day

"Marriage is good. There is something special about unions of husband and wife. Unless we bring men and women together, children will not have mothers and fathers."

- Carrie Prejean, Miss California

Some people can't wait for 'Dolmio day'

Not your typical news story: Oz driver pulled with todger in pasta sauce jar

The law enforcement operatives identified "a 750ml jar around his penis" and said Weatherley gamely insisted on continuing to pleasure himself "between bouts of wrestling". A search of Weatherley's motor uncovered "pornography, a homemade sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier"

You say goodbye, and you say hello

There's a political reason for it, but:

In one of history's more absurd acts of totalitarianism, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission. According to a statement issued by the State Administration for Religious Affairs, the law, which goes into effect next month and strictly stipulates the procedures by which one is to reincarnate, is "an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation."

I have so many questions. Can you bring your official approval documents with you when you're reincarnating? Is there a kind of spiritual courier service?

If you reincarnate as something crappy, can the government sort it out for you?

What do they do to you, if you reincarnate without the proper permission? (Dis-incarnate you, I guess, in the usual ways).

Will they make another attempt at population control, using a one-reincarnation-per-couple rule?

I guess it makes sense, if somebody's a real dickhead, telling them not to come back again. There's no reason to think they'll be any better the second time around...

How to cook an occupation

How bad is it when they stop taking you seriously? In Bob Woodward's book "State Of Denial: Bush At War Part III" there is an anecdote relating America's attempt to set up a TV channel promoting America's perspective in Iraq "so that the coalition message could get on the air":

Eventually there was a U.S.-sponsored television network set up. To fill out its schedule, it broadcast Arabic-language reruns from elsewhere in the Middle East. As a result, some Iraqis took to calling it the "Lebanese Cooking Channel," especially after one day when most other major networks, like Qatar-based Al Jazeera, covered a significant news event live but the U.S.-sponsored network ran a foreign program on how to cook a rabbit.

Hand over that planet

Found in the comments section of a Wired article today:

...or maybe the "need" to kill others competing for the same resources is a universal constant. If the latter, somebody shut those SETI people up before the neighbors notice what a tasty planet we have!

Old familiar story

My parents sent this by email, and so I thought I'd pass it on. I've actually seen variations of this (though not as witty) when shopping for bikes online:

This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service (Expensive) It's been adult ridden; all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought.

Noisy as ducks

Great quote found here today, on Londoners:

noisy as ducks, eternally drunk. - Verlaine

A little slice of Egypt

Got this from the hotel people last night and thought it was worth sharing:

PS:Please avoid Airport hustlers and hotel touts on your way to Luna.((airport Travel Agents Rep & Be ware from the tourism people at the airport, they will offer there help to you, they will not help you, they will try to change your hotel direction that you booked to another hotel that they can get commasion, as example they will tell you about your booking in this hotel: The Hotel is closed, damaged, burned .etc, so do not trust the tourism people at the airport because at the end they will raped you off. )).

[ View of Cairo from the Cairo Tower ]

I don't like your band very much

My workmate passed on this comment (edited a bit) from the MySpace page of "the bird and the bee":

I had to painfully sit through your set in Sacramento to see Lily & I liken it to having a f[]cking root canal in every manner. I couldn't leave & was forced to hear your repetitive, mind numbing, lame-ass background music the sort you have to listen to while being at the dentist for hours. Or whilst waiting in an airport for your lost luggage. By the Time Lily got on stage she was hammered; I'd be a f[]cking raging alcoholic too if I had to listen to that poo every f[]cking night. Stop touring & release your sh[]t straight to Musak for the elevator circuit or perhaps as background torture noise for prisoners. I mean really, your singer is lovely (not the two back-up hags) and the musicians could play well, it's just the material was dreadful and you have absolutely no stage presence. I don't think the guys looked up or smiled once. It seemed painful for them as well. How you got billed with a young, cute, bubbly, upbeat pop-ska-hop act is beyond me when you should be kicking off Bingo at Indian casinos or maybe a jazz-cruise ship tour. There you go! People can't leave there either unless they want to jump off the f[]cking boat!

Well at least, those are some constructive suggestions.

Dirty little monkeys

From a Channel 4 promo spot this evening:

There is too much sex on TV, but let's face it: if we show some, you dirty little monkeys will watch it.

Good point mister.

Whatcha got there, fido?

Worth reading, if only for the photo. Makes my kitty's mouse-capades seem pretty weak by comparison.

"Chen said the zoo purchased the crocodile from a local resident who had kept it as a pet."

April 1st roundup

I've been looking around, but either there's a dearth of amusing pranks today or else I'm not clever enough to spot most of them. To start with we obviously have the usual Google stories:

Google "Toilet ISP" sewer-based home broadband.
Google "Gmail Paper" email printing service.

And we have Tony Blair's return to acting.

And finally we have my first post of the day.

My friend from the article, Rila P. Loofs, pointed out that this might have been a little too believable (which is kinda scary), and also not very funny.

Afterwards I wished I'd added something sillier at the end about the government's next scheme, which would have been to implant household pets with mini cameras. Pets are always following us around, curious about what we're doing. A natural partner in law enforcement. Imagine if Fido was recording all those things you get up to at home. :-)

Oh well, there's always next year.

Happy Rila P. Loofs day, Primera Delmes!

I couldn't quite figure out the "Pahli Tarikh" one though. I get 'April' out of it, but if it's an anagram they've stumped me with the rest. Anybody?

Yet more good news from Google

For years we've heard about Google's "dark fibre" purchases -- unused fibre optic cable, but now we're finding out they've got plans for our dark porcelain as well:

Google Inc. (NASDAQ: GOOG) today announced the launch of Google TiSP (BETA)™, a free in-home wireless broadband service that delivers online connectivity via users' plumbing systems. The Toilet Internet Service Provider (TiSP) project is a self-installed, ad-supported online service that will be offered entirely free to any consumer with a WiFi-capable PC and a toilet connected to a local municipal sewage system.

It even comes with a self-installation kit (pictured above).

"I couldn't be more excited about, and am only slightly grossed out by, this remarkable new product," said Marissa Mayer, Google's Vice President of Search Products and User Experience. "I firmly believe TiSP will be a breakthrough product, particularly for those users who, like Larry himself, do much of their best thinking in the bathroom."

Can't wait to start pushing out blog posts from the bathroom.

Gmail paper

Another good idea from the boys in Mountain View: Google introduces "Gmail Paper", a service where you can choose to print all your email and have it delivered, for free. How about attachments?

All part of the deal. Photo attachments are printed on high-quality, glossy photo paper, and secured to your Gmail Paper with a paper clip. MP3 and WAV files will not be printed. We recommend maintaining copies of your non-paper Gmail in these cases.

But what about the environment?

Not a problem. Gmail Paper is made out of 96% post-consumer organic soybean sputum, and thus, actually helps the environment. For every Gmail Paper we produce, the environment gets incrementally healthier.

Tony Blair to resume acting career

Seems our Prime Minister has some plans for his retirement from politics. He's getting back to his acting career:

Tony Blair has agreed to resurrect his interest in acting when he leaves Number 10 after he was approached about a major stage role by his close friend, the artistic director of the Old Vic, Kevin Spacey, The Observer can reveal.

Good for Tony. I really enjoyed the Comic Relief sketch, he did really well. If only we could keep him harmlessly entertaining us, instead of starting wars. However perhaps he should wait until he's actually out of office:

One senior cabinet minister, who did not wish to be named, said: 'An ambassador arrived at Number 10 the other day to find Tony dressed like a Puritan, waving a crucifix in the air and shouting about chasing out the devil. Fortunately the ambassador had studied The Crucible at UCL.'

Good scoop by Pahli Tarikh and Primera Delmes.

Surveillance society

The British government is at it again. Now they'll be using our mobile phones to listen to our conversations, even when they're sitting in our pockets, apparently inactive:

The home office is seeking to include a potentially controversial new provision in an upcoming extension of the UK Terrorism Act. A section of the draft tabled in the House of Commons last week, expected to see first reading on Tuesday, will include the stipulation that all mobile phones sold in the UK will enable authorities to remotely activate the handset microphone for law enforcement purposes.

Effectively, all mobile customers will be carrying 'bugs' that can be used to eavesdrop on their daily activities and interactions.

The feature, "Passive Listening Mode" is apparently already available, but inactive, in a number of brands of phone and will shortly become mandatory.

Deputy UK privacy commissioner Rila P. Loofs said Saturday "The commissioner is very concerned about this provision. It leaves the door open to serious abuse of citizens' privacy rights and will rightly be seen as yet another step forward toward the surveillance society. How will we be sure our phones aren't helping somebody to eavesdrop on our private conversations?".

Because terrorists apparently aren't smart enough to take out the batteries when they're hatching their evil plots.

Laughed until I cried

You have to read this.

Tsuriel Raphael, the Israeli ambassador to El Salvador, had to be recalled because he engaged in “conduct unbecoming of a diplomat.” ...

Was this terrorism - an assault against the Jewish state? Was Osama bin Laden involved?

How I only wish. I’d love for nothing better than for Islamic extremists to set aside their exploding shoes and suicide belts, and wage war against Israel using ball gags and dildos instead.

I prefer my motorcycle

From CNN:

TOLEDO, Ohio (CNN) -- The father of an Ohio college baseball player who died Friday in a Georgia bus crash said Sunday his son "died doing what he loved"

Riding the bus?

I wasn't sure before, but now I'm definitely going to hell.

Super rabbit donkey shocker

Stop me if you've heard this one before: An Irishman and his donkey walk into a hotel, and the Polish receptionist says...

It's not a joke. It's a news story:

Receptionist Irina Legova said that Mr McCarney had told her that the donkey was a breed of "super rabbit" which he was bringing to a pet fair in the city. The court was told that the donkey went berserk in the middle of the night and ran amok in the hotel corridor, forcing hotel staff to call the gardai.

McCarney was found in the room wearing a latex suit and handcuffs, the key to which the donkey is believed to have swallowed.

He was charged under the "Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act". You can't make this stuff up.

Or, maybe you can. :-)

Spell-checking

Deferred success

Last year educators in the UK proposed the idea that no child should be allowed to think they'd failed something, but were instead experiencing "deferred success".

Luckily, common sense prevailed over the educators' amateur child psychology, and the "deferred success" initiative [ insert obvious joke here ] failed:

Ian Pringle, from Canvey Island, Essex, said: "We'll be ridiculed. Please do not vote for this motion."

So was Tony was having a little fun at George's expense here, by not stopping him from saying this about Iraq?:

With chief war ally Tony Blair of Britain by his side, Bush declared he's "disappointed by the pace of success"

Serious water crimes division

It's a good thing Britain doesn't have any actual problems. Now games with water guns are a real serious concern for the British police:

British police have condemned a role-playing game where contestants travel all over London armed with water pistols looking to "assassinate" other players, saying it could spark terrorism alerts.

Jeebus people, let's get some common sense and sense of proportion, already. At least the police will probably have more success catching and punishing these baddies (I mean, as opposed to actual terrorists) since they'll tend to be conspicuously carrying large, luminous, orange-and-yellow Super Soakers.

Sorry, I just came back from a relaxing holiday, and I'm finding this place a little hard to take today. Spend a few days away from Brits, and when you return the first things that hit you are the loudness, the coarseness, and the pointless undirected aggression. Then put yourself and the aforementioned unpleasant, grouchy gits in a small, overcrowded country, with miserable weather, and stir...

Britishness

A clever little quiz: http://www.nakedtranslations.com/en/2005/06/000428.php